Brave Parents Conversations: Building self-esteem with actions not words

You cannot give your daughter self-esteem with word presents. 

To build real and enduring self-esteem: only do for your daughter what she can't do for herself.

Transcript

Okay. Tonight, we're going to be talking about mastery and independence. And specifically, the difference between words and actions. So in the last school holidays, we took our girls to see two movies. Clifford The Big Red Dog and Sing 2. And it was interesting because while they were quite different movies, they had the same theme. Both movies were about self esteem. The message was you can do anything. You just have to believe in yourself. And you've no doubt seen the same message served up in lots of other films. This got us thinking about other kids movies. There are an awful lot of them that essentially talk is the same thing: to believe in themselves. Everywhere our kids turn their hearing messages that are supposed to boost their self esteem. Which begs the question, why are so many girls suffering from poor self belief and low self esteem? The research tells us that around the age of eight, This is what happens with many girls self esteem. Why? Because self esteem doesn't come from word presents. It doesn't matter how many times we as their parents or big red dogs or animated bunnies tell our girls that they awesome and that they should believe in themselves. Self esteem doesn't work like that. Self belief and self esteem is something that it grows and develops from within. And it grows from the fertile soil or fertile sand of doing. I just realized that picture didn't really match what I was say. Not very fertile, is it? Self esteem is a byproduct. It's a consequence of independence and mastery. Now, to be clear, we are not talking about excellence here. Your daughter does not need a report are full of a pluses or a cabinet full of trophies in order to have self esteem. A large part of mastery and independence is as simple as your daughter learning the skills to be able to DO LIFE. So if our girls don't think they have mastered the skills to cope with day to day life, then we’re setting them up to fail. If your daughter is capable of doing something for herself, even badly at first, get her to do it for herself. This will build mastery and independence which in turn will build her self belief and her self esteem far more effectively than any feel good, go-girl movies or slogans ever will. This is what we call agency. It's the basic idea that your daughter has the power and the right to navigate her own life. So much of today's society takes agency away from kids. We tell them that they can do everything or take them to movies to give them the same message. And then we do all the stuff for them before they even get a chance to try. Now, this comes from a good place. We want spare them discomfort and inconvenience. And let's face it, sometimes it's just faster and easier and less messy to do it yourself. But a lack of agency is a really big factor in mental health issues, such is anxiety and depression. Your daughter needs to experience that she can do life, not just be told she can. So again, it's not just a phrase, it is absolutely something to live by. Only do for your daughter what she can't do for herself.