The Micro Moments That Teach Girls They Don't Own Their Bodies

I took my 15-year-old daughter to get her hair cut. Throughout the appointment, the hairdresser kept directing all her questions to me. What length should we go? What about layers? How much should we take off? Every time she asked, I would defer to my daughter - after all, it's her hair. But the hairdresser would immediately turn back to me, as if my daughter hadn't spoken.

Finally, I said directly: "You need to talk to my daughter because it's her hair."

The hairdresser said that mothers usually make the decisions about their daughter's hair. And to be honest, if I hadn't spent 10 years researching how to raise girls to like themselves, I probably would have to. 

The Absurdity of It All

Think about this for a moment. My daughter is 15 years old. She's in Year 10, has a part-time job, and even has her own tax file number. Society trusts her with financial responsibility, but apparently not with deciding what to do with her own hair.

If we want to raise girls who like themselves, we must teach them that they own their bodies. But there are countless micro moments throughout their lives when, if we're not careful, we teach them exactly the opposite.

The Erosion Happens in Small Ways

Body autonomy isn't necessarily lost in one dramatic moment - it's eroded gradually through hundreds of tiny interactions that seem harmless on the surface. These micro moments add up to create a powerful message: your voice doesn't matter when it comes to your own body.

Consider how many times we inadvertently send this message:

At family gatherings: "Go give Aunt Sarah a hug" - even when she clearly doesn't want to. We're teaching her that others' comfort matters more than her physical boundaries.

Getting dressed: "You can't wear that."  We're teaching her that her self-expression through clothing is subject to others' approval.

At the dinner table: "You have to finish everything on your plate."  We're teaching her to ignore her body's signals about hunger and satiety.

Each of these moments might seem insignificant, but they're building a foundation. Are we building confidence in her own judgment about her body, or are we teaching her that others know better?

The Simple Rule That Changes Everything

The rule Chris and I write in Raising Girls Who Like Themselves is simple, yet powerful: If it's not permanent and it's not harmful, she gets to decide - even if we don't agree.

This means yes to the blue nail polish, even if we think it clashes with everything. Yes to the asymmetrical haircut, even if we prefer it symmetrical. Yes to the ripped jeans, even if we think they look messy. Yes to leaving food on her plate when she says she's full, even if we think she hasn't eaten enough.

Why? Because every time we give girls agency over the small stuff, we're building their confidence for the big stuff.

Building the Foundation for Bigger Decisions

When a girl grows up knowing that her preferences about her own body are respected and valued, she develops an internal compass. She learns to trust her instincts. She understands that she has the right to say no. She builds confidence in her own judgment.

This foundation becomes crucial when she faces more significant decisions about physical boundaries, relationships, medical choices, and personal safety. A girl who has spent years having her autonomy respected in small ways is far more likely to advocate for herself in bigger ways.

Conversely, a girl who has learned that others consistently override her preferences about her own body may struggle to assert herself when it really matters. If she's been taught that her voice doesn't count when it comes to her hair, her clothes, or her physical affection, why would she believe it counts when it comes to more serious situations?

The Long Game

Raising girls who like themselves isn't about being permissive or letting them do whatever they want. It's about being intentional about where we draw lines and why. It's about recognising that respect for their autonomy in age-appropriate ways builds the confidence they'll need throughout their lives.

Every time we honour a girl's voice about her own body, whether it's about her hair, her clothes, or her physical boundaries, we're sending a powerful message: You matter. Your preferences matter. You are the expert on your own experience.