What about boys?

Brave Parents Conversations: What do you do when your daughter says "I'm bad at x"?

 

Transcript

We get variations of this question a lot.

So we've wrapped up several of your questions into this five step process.

So the first step is to clarify if she really thinks that she's bad at X,

whatever X is, or if she's being dramatic and catastrophizing.

If she's catastrophizing, then explain to her that what she says, her brain believe.

So she is actually choosing to make it feel feel bad.

If she really doesn't like the results she's getting,

that's okay. We all do work we're not happy with from time to time.

Nobody loves everything they do all the time.

Being self reflective about your work, is actually a really important part of learning

but explain to her.

That there is a big difference between being

bad at X and not being totally happy with this particular outcome.

Or this particular example, or I'm being happy with her skills at this moment in time.

Okay, so step two is to encourage your daughter to make a more

accurate statement about the things she thinks

she's bad at. A statement that empowers her rather than disempowers her.

So for example, it might be “I don't like the way I land my cartwheel at the moment”

or “I currently struggle with X” or whatever it is

she says that she's bad at

The third step is to prompt your daughter,

to think about how to gets better at things,

and she gets better at things the same way

that we all do. With practice. Remind her,

that whatever she think she's bad at is just pretty much like everything else.

It's a skill. And the way that you get better at a skill is by practicing. Prove this point to her,

by giving her, an example of how she has developed a skill,

through practicing it in the past, perhaps this bike riding. Chances are,

she didn't sit on the bike for the first time in life and just ride it.

And go off into the sunset. She had to practice and the first few attempts,

they probably didn't go that well. She probably fell off.

She probably stumbled. And ask her to imagine what would have happened

if very first time she tried to ride a bike she said “I'm mad at riding bikes” and that was it.

She would never, she never does it ever again.

And if she did, she'd never learn how to ride a bike or whatever.

Choose an example of something your daughter has mastered through

practice and perseverance to make that point.

The next step is to ask her what she's going to do,

to improve this particular activity,

If her, whatever it is at this moment, that she's not very good at, and doesn't meet her standards.

Then ask her what she's going to do about it.

You might need to help your daughter come up with a plan,

certainly in the beginning because she may not be used to thinking in such an empowered way.

She might need you to really, you know, to work with you to develop a plan.

And you might suggest getting a how to draw the kids book from the library.

for example, if she doesn't like a drawing or going out on the weekend

and practicing shooting hoops or whatever it is.

Then the last step, once she has taken action to improve and practice,

whatever that action may be, praise

her for her courage to do hard things.

Make a really big deal out of celebrating her practicing

and her persistence. Tell her that she could have just decided that she was bad at

X and never done it again,

but instead, she was brave enough to practice something that was challenging

for her and now she's improving,

and she should be really proud of herself

for doing that. And the very last thing is to remember this story

for the next time she tells you that she is bad at something. Remind her

when she said she was bad at drawing or cartwheels or maths or spelling or whatever it is,

and then she practiced and got better and she can do that again with the next thing

she finds challenging.

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